My Third Thing, Vol 5, Grieving Part 2

This is My 3rd Thing #5 I believe, but part 2 of Grieving. After something as devastating as losing your husband can be, on top of that you find out who your friends were as a couple and who were just his friends. The ones that left after the funeral and said, please, call me anytime for anything, and  the ones that call or text on a regular basis for the first couple of months and that tapers off too, then the ones that continue to call, text, ask you out, come over, constantly keep you involved, those are your real friends, they are the priceless gems God sent to for life. Cherish them.

My friends tell me that I just have to get through the ‘first year’, the first year is full of firsts, your first everything by yourself. Your first Holidays, your first call to have something repaired, your first trip by yourself, your first anniversary alone, his birthday, so many things that you celebrated together.

There are also different ‘firsts’, like that first moment you wake up in the morning and forget for 3 seconds about reality then get the oh so ‘new’ familiar kick in the stomach feeling. Or the first time you see something that would make you both laugh and for 3 seconds you think about calling him. What do you do when those firsts become seconds and thirds, do you magically feel better the second year?

I am just a little into my 2nd year by myself and so far it isn’t much better than the first year. The first year your friends and family made sure you aren’t by yourself on all of the holidays and special occasions but the second year everyone tends to go their own ways and you are alone for the special things you and your spouse celebrated, so the second year so far has been as difficult as the first. I wish I had the magic solution for making it through the grieving process but the hard cold truth of the matter is that no one does, no one can tell you how to feel, you have to figure this one out on your own, one day at a time.

I just need to breathe…

Advertisements

My Third Thing #6– Grieving Part 3 – The Final Part

This are my final thoughts on how to cope with grieving after you’ve cried until you can’t cry. At least you think you’re done crying, I can be fixing my hair in the morning getting ready for work and all of a sudden, I’m sobbing like a baby. But that’s OK, accept it, cry and keep on going.

Supposedly there are 7 Stages of Grief, 1) Shock & Denial, 2) Pain & Guilt, 3) Anger & Bargaining, 4) Depression, Reflection & Loneliness, 5) The Upward Turn, 6) Reconstruction, and 7) Acceptance & Hope.

I think shock is a given, no matter if it is sudden or if you know it’s just a matter of time, the finality is always a shock. I don’t know about denial, that seems silly to me, I don’t get how you can deny it, they’re gone, nothing is bringing them back.  I think grieving is painful and that pain lasts forever. I don’t know about the guilt either. What are you supposed to be guilty for? I know I did everything I could to prolong my husband’s life, I took care of him to the very best of my ability, I loved him more than I love anyone on this earth, I feel no guilt. Why the anger? Anger at who? God? If we Believe then we know that our loved ones are in a better place than us, so why not jealousy instead of anger? Anger at the loved one we lost? Do you think that was their choice, of course it wasn’t, no use being angry.  I do believe there is Depression, you’d be stone cold if you were not depressed. I also get the loneliness, I have a daughter that has swept me into her family dynamics. We were always close as a family and I know she hurts as badly as I do because her father passed away, if it weren’t for her, her husband and their beautiful daughters I would be stuck on the loneliness train forever. She gives me hope, she gives me reason to get up and get out. She gives me a reason to move on which leads me to the Upward Turn, Reconstruction and Hope. With her support I am getting out more and going more places to meet people.  I owe her more and love her more than I can ever express. She is a beautiful human being, just like her father was.

My Mothers Apron Vol 1

I have never professed to be a great cook, although I love cooking and baking, it just feels like I am missing something. I love to set up my cooking/baking space, have all ingredients ready to go, but there is still something missing. I think back on my mother cooking and I realize what it is! I don’t wear an apron!!! I have many aprons, I love aprons, they are a very ‘old school’ tradition for young home cooks, they don’t seem to have the need/desire/time for an apron. Upon going through my Mothers things, I found her aprons, beautifully crocheted aprons, aprons with cute embroidered sayings, aprons she lovingly sewed, and one in particular that looks like a potato sack she sewed material on to tie in the back. That is my favorite, when I put that apron on everything I’m about to do makes the most perfect sense. My meals turn out better, my baked goods are perfect, and I think it has to be the apron. The apron that was wrapped around love for so many years, that saw meals that were made for her family, cakes and casseroles that were made from sympathy, cookies made for Christmas and turkeys and hams that were made for Thanksgiving and Easter, everything was made with love and that has to be the difference, because anything made from love is the best.  So, I’m going to start baking and cooking and trying new recipes and seeing if I can improve on the old, so welcome to my first edition of My Mother’s Apron.

MyThirdThing-Grieving, Part 1

My third thing-Grief

I have found out that instead of finding my third thing that it has been there all along. Your third thing is whatever the thing that consumes you after your family or job or whatever your first two most important things are, in no kind of order at any time. It doesn’t have to be the same thing, it can change to whatever you need it to be. In my last blog I mentioned that my husband was ill, well he lost his battle with congestive heart failure 3 months ago and dealing with the all consuming grief has become my 3rd thing, sometimes it is also my 1st and 2nd thing. I have learned a few things that I am going to share and hopefully make it easier for you, should you lose one of the most important people in your life.

First, people say stupid things. They usually don’t know what to say so they will say words they think will comfort you, words they have heard others say because if they had gone through this, they wouldn’t say them at all. For instance I’ve heard, ‘it will feel better after time, time heals’, doesn’t heal, it just makes you used to the pain of the ache.  It absolutely shatters your heart to lose a loved one, that shatter never mends, it is always there – you just get accustomed to the way the cracks feel. And then you cry, I cried everyday for 3 and a half months. Sometimes it was the cry so hard you don’t make any noise and sometimes it was the just a quick sob. Whatever cry it is, do it, do it until you can’t, and then when you think you’re done, you’re not, so cry again. Hard.

So until part 2, do what it takes to get you through the process. And breathe.

 

 

MyThirdThing-Grieving, part 2

MyThirdThing – Grieving, part 2

Every morning when you first wake up and for that split second before you remember that your life has been ripped apart by losing your best friend in life, your knight in shining armor, your protector, your lover, your child’s parent, the only person in the world that has your back, your confidante, your caretaker, the dog walker, your everything… it still feels like a kick in the gut. Every morning.

Then you get up and start your routine,

I’m exhausted from acting like I feel ok

All your friends say call me if you need anything, your real friends will call you

Do things using a different routine

Plan the funeral the day it happens, you’re still too numb to be emotional-it will be a blur, the 2nd day is going to hurt too bad to do anything but cry, so cry, cry hard and as much as you can. Cry loudly.

My Third Thing – Volume 4

I’m baaaaack!!  I had to take several months off,  I was doing great for a few months then I realized I had too many ‘3rd things’ and unfortunately this blog was one of the things that suffered.  So, it’s a brand new year and one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to just chill, relax, let it go, breathe. Also, I want to be better, do better, feel better, eat better, everything better.

Last year I came out like gangbusters, I took classes, I started this blog, I redecorated my home, put in a pool, and the list just goes on. Then my husband became very ill and had to have surgery, but he’s on the mend and life is good again but it was too much, this year I’m going to just relax and reorganize myself and my thoughts. I am going to pull out one unfinished project at a time and finish it.

As I stated earlier, this blog is my ‘3rd thing’ and I realized that several months ago, I’ve been searching for my 3rd thing and I found it! I’ve always had a thing for writing things down. Not like writing a book but writing my thoughts, for instance, my mother had Alzheimer’s, when I would go visit her none of it made sense, my feelings, her actions, my reactions, I didn’t know when that dreadful disease started claiming her as its victim and was afraid that I had missed something that may have made some sort of difference in the outcome, so I started documenting events and feelings and everything that was going on in her life, but that will be another blog. I also make lists of things I want to do or accomplish, ideas, all kinds of things, things I need to buy or get rid of.

So writing a blog is a perfect outlet for me, short stories, recipes, decorating, my opinion, etc.  I can put all of my favorite things into one place and write a few things about a few things that I know for sure.

Until next time….just breathe…

Those were the days…

My husband has a Third Thing, he is a Classic Car enthusiast and he owns two classic cars, a 1965 Mustang and a 1961 Impala Bubbletop. During the ‘snowbird season’ our weekends and one night a week are spent going to ‘Cruise Ins’ and they really are a lot of fun. We have made some lifelong friends and we travel to different shows together as a group. The venues are sometimes the most impressive things about the shows and sometimes even dictate which shows we decide to participate in, they vary from very popular tourist attractions to high school or church parking lots. Mostly the shows are for a particular charity and that is when we have the most fun and if there happens to be a trophy involved that is just icing on the cake! The other most impressive thing about these shows are the people that own the cars, you can tell so much about them by their cars – no matter the age it seems the cars are from their heydays or at least the most important part of their lives. I also think that  is what attracts the spectators to these shows, it takes them back to a certain place in their lives where they owned a car or knew someone that owned a car like yours and you can almost tell by the looks on their faces if it was a good  place or a bad place, and then they kind of trail off and sometimes we’re lucky enough that they will share the memory or have a great story about the car.

These cars are definitely the Third Things of all of their owners – just not mine, but like everyone else, I like to look back and remember the good times of my youth.

Talk to you next month!

Luanne